Your Parking Horoscope

a radio commentary broadcast on Jefferson Public Radio's The Jefferson Daily
Tuesday, July 29, 1997
(c)1997 by Fred Flaxman

HOST: Some listeners might have noticed that The Jefferson Daily doesn't have a horoscope. Not yet, anyway. But did you know that you can tell more about people from where they PARK than you can by reading their horoscopes? Well, maybe YOU can't, but commentator Fred Flaxman can!

FLAXMAN: Here's the parking horoscope for today:

Anyone who regularly places his vehicle under "No Parking" signs is sure to have a troubled future, no matter what sign he was born under. He's obstinate and resents authority.

If you're the kind of person who circles around a parking lot until you find the space closest to where you'll be going, you're sure to collapse one evening while jogging to make up for all the exercise you have been missing.

If, on the other hand, you're the type who parks in the farthest corner of the parking lot to get the maximum amount of exercise walking to the entrance of the building, you are undoubtedly a person who eats bean sprouts for lunch and weighs himself twice a day. You'll live to an old age, I predict, but you'll never have known the joy of a hot fudge sundae, deep fried Polish sausage or a bar of pure white chocolate.

Are you the kind of driver who parks over the line that divides the parking spaces? You are obviously inconsiderate and unwilling to compromise. Your future? Plenty of nasty sideswipes on the rough road of life.

What about the driver who unintentionally parks in spaces reserved for the handicapped? There's someone who is absent-minded and a dreamer. There will be many parking tickets in his future. And many missed opportunities.

And then there's the guy who intentionally parks in spaces reserved for the handicapped. He's lazy and mean and has no consideration for those less fortunate than himself. He'll make a terrific international wheeler-dealer.

Some folks avoid parking under trees. That means they're cautious. Trees can shed dirty, sticky plant parts or acorns. Birds use them to do the same thing to your car that they do to statues. These people are bound to have a material life which runs smoothly, but they'll be reluctant to take chances on love or adventure.

Then there are those who welcome an unused parking meter rather than park free on the next block. Their cavalier disregard for money will cause them financial problems, unless, of course, they're using slugs instead of quarters.

What about the type of person who tries to park in the same spot every day? That's a man or woman who likes everything in its place and a place for everything. These folk succeed as librarians, zoo keepers and military officers. But they'd better forget careers as painters, rock musicians or kindergarten teachers.

Yes, indeed. Show me where a person parks and I'll tell you what he's made of -- without tarot cards, a crystal ball or exact time of birth.

This is Fred Flaxman.

HOST: Commentator Fred Flaxman writes a column called "Compact Discoveries" for the Jefferson Monthly, Jefferson Public Radio's membership magazine. He is also a regular columnist for the Ashland Lithiagraph.