Mosquitoism

a radio commentary broadcast on Jefferson Public Radio's The Jefferson Daily
Tuesday, September 2, 1997
(c)1997 by Fred Flaxman

HOST: Commentator Fred Flaxman was happy to introduce European visitors to the beauty of Crater Lake this summer. But, while beholding this magnificent sight, Fred and his guests were attacked by a swarm of mosquitos, and he experienced his one and only religious revelation -- surely the only one ever received by anyone which itched.

FLAXMAN: I was stung with the idea of a completely new religion -- one that, totally unlike Judaism or Christianity, is not God-centered or human-centered. I call the new belief Mosquitoism and its adherents, Mosquitoists.

So far I am the only person who admits to being a Mosquitoist. But there are several zillion mosquitos who share the faith -- at Crater Lake alone. And the evidence of the veracity of their beliefs is clearly in their favor. I shall summarize their basic tenants:

  1. Humans were created not to serve God, but to serve mosquitos. Why else would we drive for two-and-a-half hours in each direction in one day if it weren't to supply nourishment for these perpetually hungry creatures? The search for the meaning of life is over. Our purpose is clear. We are here to feed the mosquitos.
  2. Wherever there are humans and moisture, there are mosquitos. Without humans to serve them, there are no mosquitos to be served. This point was proven several times as we drove half-way around the lake. Each time we stopped at a turn-off, there was no immediate evidence of mosquitos. But as soon as we got out of the car, the mosquitos miraculously appeared as if from nowhere.
  3. Catholics make the sign of the cross. Protestants pray. Jews get circumcised. Mosquitoists scratch.
  4. Do not do unto mosquitos as you would not have them do unto you. But it won't make any difference. They'll sting you anyway.

Mosquitoists, of course, never wear insect repellent. They never buy screens for their houses. And they love to go for summer walks just as the sun is going down. "Raid" is a sacrilege. So are fly swatters. The entire states of New Jersey and Florida are guilty of attempted genocide.

Mosquitoists do not believe that mosquitos created the world; just that the world was created for them. They are not conceited enough to think that human beings are the reason for the universe. If they were, why would mosquitos exist? Ask not what mosquitos do for humans, but what humans do for mosquitos, and you'll see that the balance is clearly in their favor. Who eats whom, after all?

If everyone were a Mosquitoist, there would be no more war. After all, mosquitos never harm other mosquitos. They don't even suck each other's blood.

Mosquitoists don't need to spend a lot of time and energy holding fund-raisers, constructing churches and temples, and paying for their upkeep. They make their human sacrifices in nature.

[slapping arm] Ouch. This is Fred Flaxman.

HOST: Commentator Fred Flaxman is a writer and editor who lives in the Griffin Creek area of Jackson County.