Teenagers

from DOCTORS, DENTISTS, DISHWASHERS and OTHER DEMONS OF MODERN LIFE

(c) 1996 by Fred Flaxman

When our daughter was a teenager she went through a very difficult period during which she performed poorly at school and even worse at home. My wife and I tried everything from changing schools to switching psychiatrists, but nothing seemed to make any difference. Finally, after exhausting all other possibilities, we gave up. And that worked.

She improved dramatically starting the day we decided to treat her like the family cat -- to appreciate her for what she is, love her, feed her, shelter her, hope she comes back at night, pray that she doesn't have any little ones... and not expect anything in return.

At one time or another, it seems, most teenagers go through a period when they'd rather do anything than clean up their rooms, help around the house, do their homework -- or any other kind of work, for that matter.

Before the development of psychology, their attitude would have been described as selfish, lazy and rude. Now it's more fashionable to look at their behavior as evidence of low self-esteem, inferiority complexes or, perhaps, hormonal change syndrome. But whatever you call it, dealing with teenagers ranges from difficult to impossible.

Since so many parents report the same symptoms, it occurred to me that these teenagers must be suffering from the same malady. I call it decentahumanaphobia (fear of being a decent human being), but you can call it by its common name, the Teen Disease. Consider it like the measles, mumps and chicken pox -- something that most youngsters have to go through if they don't get inoculated against it. It's just part of growing up.

The trouble with the Teen Disease is that it is mental rather than physical, and there is no known vaccination against it.

The scientist who discovers a cure for this illness will receive the everlasting gratitude of millions of parents for generations to come, and will fully deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for all the domestic squabbles which will be avoided.

Can you imagine a pill that would make your son want to do the dishes? Or an injection which would compel your teenager to hang up the telephone after no more than three minutes? Or a capsule that would make resentful youngsters appreciate the lifetime benefits of education? Or a syrup which would keep your daughter studying biology all weekend rather than practicing it?

I have great confidence in modern medicine's ability to come up with a cure for the Teen Disease, now that I've identified it. In the meantime, I offer the following practical suggestion for treating the symptoms:

Since teenagers, as is well known, get along better with anyone else's parents than their own, let's set up a teenage swap system. Parents could register their problem sons and daughters with this service. For a fee of, let's say, $500, Trade-a-Teen would arrange for their troubled teenagers to live with some other parents while another teenager came to live with them.

Compared to psychiatrists' bills, Trade-a-Teen is an inexpensive way of alleviating the worst effects of a disease which could prove fatal -- to the parents, if not the teenagers.

It may be the only way.

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