Parking

from DOCTORS, DENTISTS, DISHWASHERS and OTHER DEMONS OF MODERN LIFE

(c) 1996 by Fred Flaxman

You can tell more about people from where they park than you can by reading their horoscopes.

For instance, someone who regularly places his vehicle under "No Parking" signs is sure to have a troubled future, no matter what sign he was born under. He's obstinate and resents authority. Or take the kind of person who circles around a parking lot until he finds the space closest to where he'll be going. He's sure to collapse one evening while jogging to make up for all the exercise he's been missing.

Then there's just the opposite -- the type who parks in the farthest corner of the parking lot to get the maximum amount of exercise walking to the entrance of the building. This is undoubtedly a person who eats bean sprouts for lunch and weighs himself twice a day. He'll live to an old age, I predict, but so what? He'll never have known the joy of a hot fudge sundae, deep fried Polish sausage or a bar of pure white chocolate.

Next we have the driver who parks over the line that divides the parking spaces. He is obviously inconsiderate and unwilling to compromise. His future? Plenty of nasty sideswipes on the rough road of life.

What about the driver who unintentionally parks in spaces reserved for the handicapped? There's someone who is absent-minded and a dreamer. There will be many parking tickets in his future. And many missed opportunities.

And then there's the guy who intentionally parks in spaces reserved for the handicapped. He's lazy and mean and has no consideration for those less fortunate than himself. He'll make a terrific international wheeler-dealer.

Some folks avoid parking under trees. That means they're cautious. Trees can shed dirty, sticky plant parts or acorns. Birds use them to do the same thing to your car that they do to statues. These people are bound to have a material life which runs smoothly, but they'll be reluctant to take chances on love or adventure.

Others avoid paying for parking at all costs, walking several blocks so they don't have to put coins in a parking meter, never mind use a pay parking lot or garage. They will live longer because they walk more, and they'll build up a nice nest egg. But will they find happiness in a large savings account?

Then there are those who welcome an unused parking meter rather than park free on the next block. Their cavalier disregard for money will cause them financial problems, unless, of course, they're using slugs instead of quarters.

What about the type of person who tries to park in the same spot every day? That's a man or woman who likes everything in its place and a place for everything. These folk succeed as librarians, zoo keepers and military officers. But they'd better forget careers as painters, rock musicians or kindergarten teachers.

There are those who try to park in the first or last space of a lot whenever possible, so their cars will less likely be nicked when the car door is opened in the next space. These drivers are practical and down-to-earth. A scratch-free vehicle is essential to their self-image. But they will have problems coping with life's bumps and bruises.

Then there are those who seek a self-park garage whenever possible. They are obviously not very trusting, and material possessions, such as cars, are much too important to them. They like to control everything themselves and have difficulty delegating. They'll make it to the top -- but they'll be lonely when they get there.

The opposite personality uses valet parking whenever possible. They like the cushy life, are free-spending, trusting, upbeat and happy. And they're fully insured with a low deductible.

There are those who park in lovers' lanes. They are romantic and daring. They like adventure and have a good appreciation for the many advantages automobiles have to offer. They also undoubtedly live at home with their mothers or they wouldn't need to do this.

Then there are those who park in a lover's lane -- without a lover. These people are destined to be electrocuted at any moment for having shocking sexual relations with their cigarette lighters. They need help, fast.

And it's not hard to predict the future of a man who, when he sees a car about to back into a free, legal, hard-to-find parallel parking space, tries to capture the space by speeding in front first. He will suffer an unnatural death at an early age at the hands of an enraged stranger.

Of course there are people who never park in lots or on the street -- people who stay at home, people who don't even own cars. They like to play it safe, avoid risks. They're shy, introverted. They'll avoid many of life's problems and pitfalls. But they had better watch out for slippery bathtubs, faulty wiring, power tools, kitchen knives and other hazards the homebody faces daily -- or they'll never amount to anything.

As for myself, I'm the kind of person who always seeks a parking space in the shade and leaves the windows open just a crack. People like me hate working up a sweat over anything and are very trusting. But people tend to take advantage of us, so we'd better not put CD players under our dashboards or mobile phones between our seats.

Yes, indeed. Show me where a person parks and I'll tell you what he's made of -- without tarot cards, a crystal ball or exact time of birth.

The Internet may not be a superhighway, but it can be a two-way street! Please take a moment to send your e-mail reaction to this piece to the author at